PROLOGUE
The Inspector General on the television set being interviewed by journalists, the television set is in the station, with officers in uniform watching the broadcast.
INSPECTOR-GENERAL: Henceforth, it is illegal to mount roadblocks; any officer mounting such post should be reported to the office of the Inspector-General on 08195759575 and out toll-free line 787 or
through e-mail: inspectorgeneral@uniform.gov.ng
JOURNALIST OJENIKE: Sir, does it mean that the traffic section of the force is not going to function anymore?
INSPECTOR-GENERAL: Let me tell you this, the function of the traffic section of the force is not to mount roadblocks. They are to take care of other exigencies on the road. There are other government agencies saddled with the responsibility of arresting traffic offenders and managing traffic.
JOURNALIST KHAFAYAT: Sir, there have been many Inspector-Generals who had also given out such instructions in the past and it had failed. What process have you put in place to checkmate all obstinate officers who would not listen to this instruction?
INSPECTOR-GENERAL: Thank you for that question, any officer that refuses to adhere to this instruction is toying with his job. We want to build a new force that is free of vices, a force that can compete globally and a force that will earn the trust of the citizenry. What you have to do is to ensure that when you are stopped on the road by an officer, please get the name on his uniform, get the number as well. If you can carefully and skillfully get their details, we would fish all these bad elements out and they would face the wrath of the law. (Power was seized)
CORPORAL NDUBUISI: Amusa, this one na wa o,NEPA for allow us finish this interview now. Oga, don vex. Maybe some boys go challenge hin people. Imagine, how we wan do this work today? DPO don dey talk say make we go arrange money for breakfast.
CORPORAL AMUSA: Nigerians no go hear this one quick, make we go do this morning job. When we come back from today own, we go devise another strategy.
CORPORAL BASSEY: I no get mind o. People plenty for Oron, wey dey depend on me o. If na my sikini salary, we go do share I go dey manage. Make una no pour sand-sand for my garri. (they rant at him)
CORPORAL NDUBUISI: See as he dey talk, me, I no get family. Nobody dey collect money from my hand. I no go pay rent, send my pikin to school, how much be my salary? Na all these money wey we dey rege we dey take survive.
CORPORAL BASSEY: Tell me, how we go do am, wey people no go pick our name and number?
CORPORAL AMUSA: You be small pikin for this work, we go arrange things when time come. Na person wey no smart, dey hunger from fast.
(LIGHT GOES OUT)
ATMOSPHERE 1
On the road, they stood in the middle of the road stopping vehicles close to their station.
CORPORAL AMUSA: Park, morning, where are your particulars?
MR ADIMOSU: (removing it from the dashboard to give him) here are my particulars. CORPORAL AMUSA: Your CMR?
MR ADIMOSU: It is part of the photocopies.
CORPORAL AMUSA: Your Road Worthiness? MR ADIMOSU: Check it, it is all with you. CORPORAL AMUSA: Your driving license? MR ADIMOSU: It is with you.
CORPORAL AMUSA: Oga, anything for your boy?
MR ADIMOSU: I am in a haste, I will see you later. (kicks his car to zoom off) CORPORAL AMUSA: See am, why he no go do yanga, hin particulars dey complete.
(Another vehicle is stopped; the vehicle is being driven by a young man dressed in party-wears) CORPORAL AMUSA: Park, where are your particulars?
LEONARD: Officer, How now? What’s happening?
CORPORAL AMUSA: Things are fine. Where are your particulars?
LEONARD: (rumpled papers removed from the door of the driver’s side) This is it? CORPORAL AMUSA: Ok, your driving license?
LEONARD: It is there now
CORPORAL AMUSA: ( scanning through the document) I can’t find it.
(Leonard comes out of the vehicle and comes close to the officer to show him the driving license)
LEONARD: (after going through the documents) I forgot the photocopy at home.
CORPORAL AMUSA: You are driving without a license. (heh, beckoning on CORPORAl Bassey) Enter his car. Take him to the station.
CORPORAL BASSEY: Give me the key? Bring it. (enters the vehicle to sit) LEONARD: Officer, take it easy now.
CORPORAL BASSEY: How easy it will be depends on you.
LEONARD: We know as things are in this country, I am still arranging the money for the new driving license recently introduced.
CORPORAL BASSEY: You have to talk now.
LEONARD: I am a student, I don’t have money on me.
CORPORAL BASSEY: You are young now. You know how things are done in our country. If you have spoken to that officer well, it would not have got to this point.
LEONARD: So what do you want me to do?
CORPORAL BASSEY: If you don’t have money on you, how did you buy this car? Do something or else,
drive down to the station. LEONARD: Oga, I beg.
SERGENAT BASSEY: move? I say move?
LEONARD: okay, hold on for a minute (he searched his pocket for money, he pulls out 500). Officer, this is what I intended to use in buying fuel.
CORPORAL BASSEY: You have this before and you were misbehaving, thank your star that we have not driven into the station, it would have been more expensive. (He alights from the vehicle, winks at CORPORAL Amusa, Leonard drives off. Another vehicle with tinted glass is stopped, driven by a corporately-dressed young man).
CORPORAL BASSEY: Park, park.
MR SAYO: (winds down the side glass) yes, good morning.
CORPORAL BASSEY: May I have the particulars of the car? (points to CORPORAL Amusa)Enter that car. MR SAYO: Why should he enter the car?
CORPORAL BASSEY: This car has to be impounded.
MR SAYO: Why would you impound the vehicle?
CORPORAL BASSEY: This guy is resisting arrest; do you know that is another offence? MR SAYO: This was how this car was imported?
CORPORAL BASSEY: If you want to use the vehicle like that you will need a permit which is a lot of
money.
MR SAYO: Okay, I am sorry, I don’t know. If I am your brother, what will you do to me?
CORPORAL BASSEY: My brother? If my brother is wrong, I will leave him to face the full wrath of the law. Young man, just drive your car to the station. (Sayo switched on the ignition and moves on)
(LIGHT GOES OUT)
Excerpt from a 15-page satire titled WITH OUR UNIFORM, written by Olutayo Irantiola, October, 2013